I can’t lie, this year has been a bit of a roller coaster mentally. With the obvious reason of my breakup before Christmas, I’ve been feeling a little lost. Not so much because I feel dependant on having someone in my life, but more so kind of rediscovering who I am, on my own.
I started off the year on a mega high, I thought, rather than let this get me down by feeling unwanted and a failure, I would actually celebrate the fact that, yeah actually it was for the best and I can take on life by the horns and do things my way. I made tonnes of plans, got balls rolling on certain projects and wish lists and generally felt like I could conquer the world. Then when February swung by and my birthday celebrations were over, I had a little bit of lets say ‘a come down’ as things had slowed down and sort of settled. The ‘new lease of life’ adrenaline had worn off.
This feeling lingered throughout February and March and I was starting to worry that I might be slipping into some sort of depression. I was worried that I couldn’t really work out who I was. I was going out more, drinking more, eating more. I always felt the need to go out or do something and I genuinely thought at one stage that I was becoming an alcoholic, because I was drinking with friends and also at home a lot more than before.
My routine was a little all over the place and I barely made it to my exercise classes. I was having doubts about my youtube career, doubting who I was and what I was about and also lacking the motivation to create. It’s safe to say I was having a mini melt down and was giving myself a bit of a hard time.
But lets be real here (it took a few discussions with close friends and my manager to realise this though).. it was just a contrast between how my life was in a relationship to now being single. Previously I never went out much or drank, and our diets were pretty controlled as we were both on some sort of health kick. He wasn’t that sociable and never particularly wanted to do much and to me that was normal, that was my life. So now, where I am free to be me and do what I please, my desire to go out more and be sociable is actually pretty normal and is was most people do anyway.
I was used to having the safety blanket of another income just incase shit hit the fan and somehow I couldn’t earn any money, so naturally, when you’re now the bread winner for yourself and responsible for paying the mortgage, the fear kicks in. The worry of the longevity of my channels and keeping up a sustainable income became the reason for doubting nearly every other aspect of my online career (my niche, my relevance, what people saw me as) which now that my head is out of that worried space because I got a a motivational speech from my manager, is just daft. I mean, yes fair enough, it is really scary being self employed, on your own AND with lots of financial responsibility, but also, I am actually doing great. I have an amazing audience, a bunch of wicked brands that want to work with me and if anything, now I have all this spare time and freedom to work when I want - I actually now feel more motivated than ever to create some really awesome creative and better content. It sort of went full circle.
I no longer feel tied to having a particular routine to suit someone else and although I had a patch of not having one, lets say it was pending, as long as I write a rough plan for my week, starting with bootcamp at 6.30am just to kick start the day, it really doesn’t matter when I choose to work. Because of this, I’m sort of able to spread out my to do lists over the week including the weekend, so I have more time to do errands, see friends but obviously more importantly, get work done.
Discovering who I am and adjusting to changes has been a challenge over the past few months. I feel like my breakup was initially fine and of course It’s been upsetting, but the hardest part is feeling NORMAL as a sole individual by getting used to the changes in my life but also not freaking out about them. If anything now, tackling these worries and frustrations has made me feel so much stronger and independent and has started to pave a new path, one that I’m sure of and one that I feel okay with walking alone.
With anything life throws at you, you have to tell yourself that change is cool, often really good, but also doubt isn’t at all bad either as it helps you evaluate and move on with life.